You can’t eat anything. The end. Menopause sucks! Your body is changing and there is nothing you can do about it. From the weight gain to low libido it’s what we get for being women. I guess nature didn’t think we had enough by making us the ones that bear children – not to mention all of the changes that come with having children. (Yes, every girl wants stretch-marks and sagging boobs.) Some symptoms during menopause might be easier for you and some not. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. There is one good thing though…
- NO more period – Bonus. There are some bonuses to this menopause thing such as NO more period. Can I get a “hell ya” for that. Having a period is for the young and fertile not the old and infertile. Who wants to have a baby at this age? Not me. You can now swim till your heart’s content and not fear being eaten by a shark! Camping is also a go and no bears will be trying to feast on you.
- Weight Gain – If you follow a diet to the letter it’s supposed to work, right? Wrong! Your body is changing. How many times have you ‘yo-yo’ dieted like me? 20, 30, 100. We have all done it at one time or another. But now that you’re over 50, it’s all about not gaining 5 pounds from looking at a donut. Be mindful of what you put in your body, that’s all I’m saying about that.
“In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet” – Erma Bombeck
- Hot Flashes – Sweating profusely in a matter of seconds is not fun. Looking like you just ran a 5 minute mile is. Tricking people into thinking that’s whats going on is great because now you look like the most in shape person they now. If only they knew the truth…now they do, you’re welcome.
- Night Sweats – Because I WANT to wake up in the middle of the night soaking wet. Sometimes its more than once.
- Memory Loss – I can’t even count the number of times I have walked into a room and suddenly I have no idea what I was getting. It’s very frustrating. Where did you put your glasses? No I’m actually asking you that question. They’re on top of your head aren’t they?
- Mood Swings – I dare you to ask me if I’m feeling cranky today. I would enjoy the look of sheer terror on your face when asked that question. If I ask you “Do I look fat in this?” You will not have the correct answer to that question EVER!! So if your lady friend asks it, leave the room; run to the bathroom pretending to vomit; answer your phone that’s on silent; get in your car and drive far, far away.
- Insomnia – You probably wouldn’t have insomnia if you didn’t go to bed at 8pm because you will now be up at 4am. Your body has had 8 hours sleep, time to start the day (I’m yawning and it’s 2pm). How lucky would you be if that actually happened. I honestly do not remember the last time I had a full 8 hours sleep. It doesn’t count if you add up all the naps throughout the day.
- Dry Skin – How much lotion can one person use at a time? A lot. Honestly, I don’t think there is enough lotion on the planet to cover me continually. There is but I could be applying it 24/7. Am I right girls? I live in an area that is really dry so I now have shares in St.Ives lotion. I don’t really have shares but the money I spend on their lotions, I should.
- Fatigue – Every afternoon it hits. Usually around 2pm. The fatigue that would make any sloth feel like he was traveling at Mach 1. No that’s not it. You get how slow a sloth travels right? I might need a nap.
- Loss of…you know – The lacking sex drive is dependant upon your partner. If he knows what to do before all of this happened then chances are he knows what to do after. If you need to talk to a professional, do it. The last thing anyone signs up for in a marriage is no intimacy. This is very important people. Seek immediate help.
Here’s the long and short of menopause – you can’t see or hear, you’ve gained weight that will NOT leave not matter what, you’re extremely tired and if anyone says anything about it you’ll tear their head off; no sleeping for you; don’t remember where things are or what it was you were looking for in the first place; how itchy can one person be; hopefully the nether region still works with a little help.
The good news is – you no longer have a period..you win!!